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hot

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I have been sober for months already. But what's with today? i got this TERRIBLE headache. Last time i had this was when i downed a bottle of brandy mooooonths ago. 
I can say i've gone past those half conscious/unconscious nights on the way home because of too much booze. But i miss those days wengwangs. We should get together soon, with pareng EMPY, shoms and Lala. Pleeeeeeae? Lets relive the batcave days!
Oh well.. not in the mood to write today until this freakin' headache hit me and realized what caused it. 
TOO HOT=SUMMER=BORACAY here i come!!! Can't wait! A month and a half to go. Yey!!!

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hopeful

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Today, I broke down again. I dissolved in to tears and never thought I’d tread the same messy road once more. I know that I’ve said this time and time again, that I really am tired but it has been a question to me as well. I actually know the answer why. I’m just too afraid to admit to myself that I am still am stuck to what they say holding on for too long. It haunts me every single day and it still hurts after a year. I was well on my way for a couple of months now or maybe that’s what I thought. So I guess this is what they call: RELAPSE. 

Why do I swing unsteadily back and forth to this drama? 

A friend told me to embrace the emotions. Cry if I want to. Drain myself from the feeling. I kept it all bottled up inside and it was my choice. Not a good one though. I want to do this now, on my own, at my own pace. I’m not gonna lose my concentration this time. I fervently pray I can get through this shit. 

I am not giving up on love. I still know I’d find somebody who will fit the Carrie description of “ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

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content

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I was on my usual tamad mode yesterday, ‘twas a pretty cold afternoon due to the heavy storm the past four days. I wanted to leave the office early until I received a text from a close friend asking if I can hang out and have a few drinks. Yep, I snapped out from the slothful mood to excited at the thought of seeing one of the most-missed straight guys in my life. He’s been my constant drinking buddy since college and up until now, whenever time permits, we end up really smashed.

We had a lot of catching up to do. I was glad I settled on going with him. Every session, we always talk about the goofy days back in college and we end up missing the old times of just being boundless. But the thing I love about this guy? He reveals a lot about himself with his naughty antics before. Then makes me wonder how come I never knew about those when I spent my entire senior year with him? Tsk tsk. But I’m relieved as well. 

Well I consider him OUR (Dudez and I) boyfriend. The guy who's been there during our happy and grief-stricken days.  I’ve been surrounded by too many gays (I loooove them!) and I can say he’s the closest straight guy I know. Probably because after every ups and downs, we stumble on each other. And he’s one of those I am truly comfortable with, no inhibitions at all. Last night, we disclosed a lot of things, things unimaginable.  Behind the tough-naughty features, there is a sensitive and loving part of him. I must say I like his company because it’s not like the drinking sessions with my girlfriends. Not that I don’t like being with my girlies, but sometimes, I feel like it’s uplifting to just vent out without being melodramatic.

So to my dear Wawu, thanks for taking care of me. You may be oblivious of the fact that you’ve done quite a lot for me. You did and you still do. I love you Waw and I thank the Lord for making our paths cross. J

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It was a rare incident that Friday night. A guy friend (my bestfriend’s husband actually) invited me over for a cup of coffee. We both wanted to head home early but the aroma of Starbucks was too appealing. We couldn’t resist. Plus, I was also gimmickless that night, so I thought a cup of coffee and a quick chat with a friend wouldn’t hurt. So there, nattered about office work, the excitement of how less stressful the next weeks will be since the bosses are goin to Chicago, family life and careers. I’ve always thought of this friend as the happy-go-lucky type, so when the topic about his ailing dad came up, I somehow saw the “son” side of him. Then we talked about our careers, he’s been constantly telling he never wanted to be in sales, but he was good at it. I told him what I wanted. I wanted to fly. I wanted to travel. I wanted to be an F.A.

Years back, I knew I wanted to become one. I got too excited getting into college not realizing that my dreams of being a stewardess slowly faded away. Sigh. I wish I could turn back time. 

Maybe if that dream materialized a long time ago, I wouldn’t be here now. I’ve probably gone to many places already, made friends with different people. But the again, I knew it wasn’t time yet. I needed to be fully-equipped. I know God really planned that I meet the gays first, meet more friends, spend more time with my family especially my mom, and experience heartbreaks. He knew I needed to create a tough groundwork. 

I will be missing a lot I know. Oftentimes, I ask myself if I’m really ready to leave everything behind, and gradually start on that delayed dream. But one can never tell when you’re ready.

I’m thrilled! I know its gonna be a tedious tiring process. But it’s time. I need to fly. I need to take off.

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pensive

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I’m staring blankly on my PC on an early Wednesday morning. I know I got tons of work to do and meetings to anticipate but I have been feeling weird… and awfully lazy lately. I wanted to pull the time to 6pm and just head home and take the “nestea plunge” into my bed. Sigh. I wonder what’s wrong with me.

To those not aware of my usual weekly routine, you’d often see me having coffee with my girlfriends or if time permits, having a few rounds of beer with drinking buddies. There came a time that I got tired of this so-called activity but I found myself going back, wandering and craving… again and again. Then I thought maybe it’s the amusement and excitement of drowning myself into this familiarity. Maybe I just got overly used to it that I was afraid of change. Up to now I’m still stuck into this confusion, of succumbing to what I know will not do me any good. 

I often contemplate maybe I need to psychoanalyze. If I undergo that, I’d probably believe that I can stop the time, think, and allow myself to move on with a new perspective. Not wanting it, not even stumbling back to the trap again. And when I’m finally sure I’ve pulled through, I will see the all things as bright as it used to be.

Oh well… seems like these are the right things to do. But I’m enjoying the thrill now. I’m still at the height of it and enjoying the rollercoaster ride. I know in due time I have to accept that this is just temporary. That I will need to evolve. Sigh. But for now, I still choose to be hooked and drift to wherever this intoxication takes me.

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cranky

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I wanna light a nic, type this article at Starbucks while having a venti macchiato. But it seems too impossible now, coz I decided to stay home today after the series of long nights with my girlies and gay bestbuds. Yep, I had an arduous but fun weekend. Until today. Something ruined my day. I found myself thinking hard again on how my last relationship came to an end. And even before I tried to shut it out, it still haunted me. God how I hate these times.

I know I am doing it real well, having the time of my life being single and unattached. I have been trapped in a tormenting two-year relationship, blinded. I can proudly say I have done my part as a good partner, my girlies will even salute me for that but  questions of whys and hows still remain. Maybe that’s why I have not felt the closure I needed. But come to think of it, id rather leave things at that… no more confrontations, no more hauling out of truths, because it will never happen. He will never say the truth. I fell for a coward and I am not ashamed to admit that.

I was trapped in his game. I could’ve played it fairly, I could’ve even won but he never said it was a game. I had to figure it out myself. And when I did, it was too late for me already, I’ve hit rock bottom. Of course everyone who’s been in relationships would know what happened next, no need for me to reckon each and every detail.

Now, at least I have finally come to realize my self-worth. It was a long process and I’d still say I’m still trapped but I will evolve. I will evolve past him. Sooner than I think.

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crushed

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At last, the much-awaited pedicure my nails have been hankering! They say a girl’s frequent visit to the spa, wanting a new ‘do or getting their nails done, just like what I had tonight, must mean something… dejection, or more so, a heartache. Hmmm.. so I was wondering, was I feeling gloomy today that’s why I fancied a French tip for my toe nails? Nah. Not really dejected but more of bored and restless. I wanted something to make me feel good before getting to bed and have a reason to smile when I wake up in the morning. Trivial huh? But I know all my girlies out there will attest to this fact. Yep, pedicure makes us feel good. Going to the salon with girlfriends would make the trip even more worthwhile, so all those chick flicks you see with girls gushing and shrieking while gossiping, that happens in real life. Oh well, I have to admit I’m guilty of that, but who cares? It’s harmless. So long as I have my girlfriends listening to my stories, well most of it are actually rants… the world of pedicures will be as amusing as a fairy tale.

And the men, how do you deal with your shitty day? Find someone you can dupe on huh? Tsk.

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excited

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I’ve been thinking about writing my own blog since time memorial but I never found time… or should I say just sluggish to start making one. Until I got myself a notebook, didn’t find any interesting show on tv, started typing, so here goes my so-called-blog.

To be quite honest, I have been surfing through some friends’ blogs and found it really entertaining… I mean, having to picture them on the funny, sad and exciting events of their lives. I never thought I’d also be part of the bloggers world… I’m thrilled!

Anyhow, I just came home from the gym, a hella tiring, sweaty night for me. But its alright. Imagine having to drain out the much-hated fat but still enjoying every minute of it. My secret? BOXING!!! Yawza! Yep, I’m so hooked into it now, believe it or not. Special thanks to Manny Pacquiao, for making almost 80% of Filipinos get fascinated in it. Now I look forward to every gym night. So boys and girls, if and when you decide to start boxing, ping me and I’ll teach you… ooops, just kidding. I’m just a newbie so I’d prolly refer you to my coach instead.

Time check. 11:33pm, it’s past my bed time, plus I can feel my muscles starting to throb. Gotta hit the sack. Zzzzzzzzzzz.